What if there was a phone menu to choose the “On Hold Music” we had to listen to?

“Thank you for calling the offices of Like We Really Care Anyway… We’d like you to think your call is very important to us.  Please hold, and a representative will be with you as soon as we can find one that isn’t too busy pretending to work on someone else’s problem. 

“Your On Hold Music menu follows.  Please listen carefully because our selections sometimes change before we get to the end of the menu.  “

·         Press 1, for Innocuous Elevator Music that has been scientifically chosen to offend nobody but anyone who actually likes music.

·         Press 2, for Distorted Unrecognizable Sounds that can be mistaken for music if you tilt your head and cup one ear like this.

·         For Hard Rock, Press 11.

·         For Metal Rock, Press the same number repeatedly very hard.

·         For Lawrence Welk’s Greatest Hits, Press a 1 and a 2 and a…

·         For Bluegrass Music, Press any number and accompany it with a banjo.

·         For Broadway Showtunes, Press 5-6-7-8!

·         ‎For Jazz, choose 4 numbers and press them sequentially in any order for 1 minute. Then press #.

·         For New Age, Press 0 and let go.

·         For The Zen Meditation Channel, Press 1 with all the other numbers.

·         For Country, Press 1 then 2 then 3 then  1 again – then hit the bottle.

·         For the Blues, Same as Country Music only throw a 9 in it. 

·         For Reggae, don’t worry – just spark one up and let the music come.

·         For Classical, Press 8883-2221

"Again, your call really couldn’t mean less to us, but we’ll pick up eventually.  Please stay on the line and let the music settle over you.  The time should pass quickly.  And who knows?  Maybe you’ll think of the answer to your question which should have been obvious in the first place and you won’t need to hold any more. "

Good Bye.