Okay, I borrowed this.
Actually, I compiled it. And I added to it. The original is lost somewhere in an internet back room, soaked in old sourmash, and strumming on an out of tune 5 string guitar.
Like most Blues, ain't no one owns it. It just gets sang.
1. Most Blues begin "…woke up this
morning."
2. "I
got a good woman" ain't no way to begin the Blues, unless something
nasty's in the next line, like -
I got a good woman
With the meanest face in town.
3. Blues
are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find
something that rhymes. …Sort of… like -
Got a good woman
With the meanest face in town
Got a good woman
With the meanest face in town
She got teeth like Steve Buscemi
And she weigh 500 pound.
4. The
Blues ain't about choice: You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch.
Ain't no way out.
5. Blues
cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in
Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor
pools ain't even in the running.
6. Walkin'
plays a major part in the
Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
7. Teenagers
can't sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the blues. Blues Adulthood means
old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
8. Blues
can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard
times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas
City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any
place that don't get rain.
9. A
man with male pattern baldness ain't the
Blues. A woman with male pattern
baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the
Blues. Breaking your
leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
10. The following colors do not belong in the
Blues :
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d. taupe
e. flamingo (even though it has a cool number of syllables)
11. The following do:
a. Black
b. Brown
c. Black
12. You can't have the
Blues in well lighted places
like an office or a shopping mall. Go
outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
13. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed.
d. The bottom of a whiskey glass.
14. Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Martha’s Vinyard
d. Golf Course
15. No one will believe it's the
Blues if you
wear a suit, unless you a old ethnic man and you slept in it.
16. Do you have the right to sing the
Blues ?
YES if :
a. You’re older than dirt
b. You're blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied.
NO if :
a. You once were blind, but now can see
b. The guy in Memphis lived
c. You have a trust fund
d. You have all your teeth
17. Neither Justin Bieber nor Randy
Travis can sing the Blues. But, not surprisingly, Willie Nelson CAN sing
the
Blues .
18. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline,
it's the
Blues .
19. Other
Blues beverages are:
a. Wine
b. Whiskey or Bourbon
c. Muddy Water
d. Black Coffee
20. Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Snapple
c. Sparkling Water
21. If it occurs in a cheap motel, it's Blues.
22. Some Blues names for Women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Bertha
e. Josephine
f. Lucille
g. Fat River Dumpling
23. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie,
e. Willie B.
(Note: Persons with names like Sierra,
Sequoia, or Skye will not be permitted to sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis. Nor should juggling comedians.)
24. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
(For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore... ok, maybe 'Kiwi' don't work.)
25. A
Blues way to communicate is to dial up the telephone or to "holla."
26. Smartphones or any device beginning with “i” are
not Blues ways to communicate.
27. Blues weapons:
a. shotgun
b. snub nosed 38
c. knife
d. "doing the dozens," (don’t know what it is, but is sounds
deadly).
28. People with the Blues eat barbecue (dry rub), grits, corn
bread, beans, and they last meal.
29. Good
Blues instruments: Guitar (Lucille),
Slide Trombone, Saxophone, Harmonica, string bass, piano, drums.
30. Bad
Blues instruments: almost everything
else, particularly inappropriate are the oboe, french horn, and glochenspiel.
31. You got the
Blues if you got lumbago, or a rumblin’
in your brain. If it’s treatable, you don’t got the Blues
32. Black Jack is a good
Blues game. Uno is not.
33. Blues jobs include trucker, railroad work,
picking cotton, musician (down or out preferred), just got fired.
34. Blues animals include the junkyard dog, faithful
mule, big ole rat. Ain't no cats, except maybe Mud Cat.
35. Most country songs can be interchanged with
Blues songs (baby left me, crop ain’t growin’, dog died, shot a man in Reno,
etc.)
36. Finally:
Epitaph on a
Blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this
morning"
~ Bursitis "Barley Corne" Van Buren
