This document is a production radio script for a segment of "Barley Corne’s Hour Of Wasted Time" (alternately spelled: Thyme), broadcast over the National Broadcasting Network on the evening of June 14, 1949. The popular radio show which, on this occasion, was filmed by an NBN Television crew for an experimental broadcast, was briefly interrupted by interference from an unidentified source and the visual record of certain segments, including this episode of the popular Jack Noir: Time Cracker series, did not survive.
Jack Noir: Time Cracker
ACT 1
Announcer:
If it’s after
6:30 on Tuesday, then it’s TIME! Time
for Jack Noir: Time Cracker…
{SFX: alarm clock}
(continues)…Episode 24.
{ SFX: Theme music plays under}
Last week,
when we left Jack, he and his stately and beautiful assistant Nathalie had wandered aimlessly into
the Wilderness Bar and Grill in South
Hollywood. Nathalie was deciding between the Cobb Salad, and a Chicken with Wine Sauce
and Onions.
{ SFX: restaurant sounds}
Nathalie
I – I guess
I’ll have the salad.
Jack
No. Wait. I
don’t think you should do that…
Nathalie
Why not? The Cobb Salad is good here…
Jack
You should
have the chicken.
Nathalie
I want the
Cobb Salad…
Jack
You should
have the chicken.
Nathalie
Jack, I don’t
think I want the chicken?
Jack
Just…order
the chicken
Nathalie
Jack, why
should I have the chicken?
Jack
Because the
Cobb Salad has eggs in it….
Nathalie
Jack, I know
that…
Jack
(not understanding why
she doesn’t understand)
Chicken…(pause)… eggs.
Nathalie
Jack…
Jack
I think I
know which came first…
Nathalie
No one knows
that…
Jack
I think I
know.
Waitress
(forgotten and waiting
for their order)
I’d like to
know…
Jack
Just…Just
order the chicken.
Nathalie
Jack…
Jack
Please, just
order the chicken. I’ll explain it all
to you later. Just order…the chicken. OK
Nathalie
Pause…
Waitress
Would you to
take a little more …TIME?
{ SFX: Dramatic music Sting}
Jack
The chicken…
Nathalie
(pause)…I’m not hungry.
Waitress
(a bit miffed)
I can give
you more…TIME if you need…
{ SFX: Dramatic music Sting}
Jack
Nathalie… (Tense dramatic music builds under)
Nathalie
Pause…
Jack
Nathalie…! (Tense dramatic music builds under)
Nathalie
(Through clenched teeth)
I’ll have…the
chicken! (Tense dramatic music resolves)
Waitress
Thank you,
miss. Very good choice. And what will the Gentleman have?
Jack
Wh-what?
Waitress
You,
sir. What would you like to order? (Tense
dramatic music begins to build again)
Heavily Accented
Stranger:
(Interrupting, dramatic
music ends abruptly)
…Perhaps I can answer that question, Mr…Noir.
Nathalie
Jack! It’s…Raton!
Jack
I can smell
him Nathalie even though he’s hiding beneath that giant stuffed mushroom cap.
Raton
That’s right,
Mr…Noir. You have an extraordinarily
good sense of smell don’t you?
Jack
It’s easy to
sniff out a rat on this menu.
Raton
(Emerging from under the
mushroom cap)
You’ve never
really acquired the taste for my kind, have you Mr. Noir?
Jack
No. Usually I have to add more lemon and
dill. Perhaps, a pinch of curry. And…that special ingredient.
Raton
Ah, yes,
that…special ingredient. You never found
that. Did you?
Jack
As long as
you have to bring it up. No, I’m still
looking. And…
Raton
How long have
you been looking for it Mr. Noir? It seems like you’ve had plenty of…TIME.
{ SFX: Dramatic music Sting}
Nathalie
Jack, be
careful. He has the stopwatch!
Raton
That’s right
Mr. Noir. I’m holding your
stopwatch. The one you lost in episode
17. You thought it was gone forever
didn’t you?
Jack
(trying to get the upper
hand)
That depends
on which forever you mean.
Raton
What?
Jack
Come on,
you’ve been stuck in this recipe for a while.
You tell me, Raton. Which forever
do you mean?
Nathalie
Jack! Be careful.
You’re going to send us into a flashback.
Jack
I’ve lived my
whole life in a flashback, Sweetcakes.
What’s to stop me now?
Nathalie
I have a
feeling this one’s going to be different.
Jack
What? But, they’re never different. They’re always the same. That’s what makes them flashbacks! They’re a literary, theatrical or cinematic
device in which an earlier event is inserted into the normal chronological
order of a narrative. They tell you what
happened before!
Raton
(Teasing)
Before what? Mr….Noir.
Jack
What do you
mean? Before what? Before this!
That’s what before… is… now… (gets
lost)
Nathalie
But… you’ve
never called me “Sweetcakes” before.
{ SFX: Dramatic music Sting}
Jack
Ah hah! But, you can’t know that unless you’ve been
in this flashback already!
Nathalie
We’re not in
the flashback yet.
Jack
We’re not?
Nathalie
Have you
heard the organ music playing us into the past, yet?
Jack
No.
Nathalie (voice fading)
Has anyone
faded their voice out as though they’re walking down a long corridor?
Jack
I don’t think
so.
Chief Casey (a completely different voice)
Has anyone
completely new to the story up to this point started talking as though he’s
been here all the time? Actually he doesn’t appear until the end of the
episode?
Jack
Not until
now.
Nathalie
Then we’re
not in a flashback yet. Are we?
Jack
(mysteriously)
I don’t
…know.
Waitress
Okay, who had
the ribs?
Nathalie
I did.
Jack
Nathalie, that’s
not what you ordered…
Nathalie
Yes it
is. I ordered the chocolate ribs with a
Foccacia sauce and stewed tomatoes.
Jack
(As if remembering)
And I …I had
the Hot Set Ralston with a bowl of Suet….Now, wait just a minute… Hold on! That’s what I ordered in Episode 17, just
before that vermin Raton stole my stopwatch!
Raton
That’s right
Mr. Noir. I have your stopwatch. And I’m not afraid to use it! (He breaks into maniacal laughter)
{ SFX: A stopwatch starts ticking and continues through
the next section }
(These next lines should be delivered in slow motion as
though time had hit a wall of Jell-O, and then sped up through the end of the
section as though the spring has gone crazy in a cheap clock)
Waitress
Okay, who had
the soup?
Nathalie
I had the Split
Pea. I think Jack had the …
Jack
Egg drop…
Waitress (repeating)
Okay, who had
the soup?
Nathalie
I had the Egg
drop and I think Jack had the …
Jack
Chicken…
Waitress
Your entrées
will be out in a minute…
Raton
What about
the appetizer?
Jack
Okay, who smells
of Mushroom Caps?
Waitress
Your entrées
will be out in a minute…
Nathalie
I’m waiting
for my chicken…
Jack
Which came
first?
Raton
Who had the
soup?
Jack
I had the Egg
drop…
Nathalie
Chicken for
me
Jack
Egg drop…
Nathalie
Chicken…
Jack
I think I
know.
Raton
It’s an
appetizer!
Nathalie
Cobb Salad
Jack
It has eggs!
Nathalie
Chicken…
Jack
I think I
know.
Raton
Which came
first?
Jack
What?
Raton
Which came
first?
(Coming into real time, Ticking stops)
Jack
(struggling with the words) Okay!... Who… had…
the… soup? (The last word is strained as though he has to punch through time to get
it out.)
{ SFX: Dramatic music crescendo and climax, then Stops.}
Chief Casey:
We’ll be back
after these words from Barley Corne’s Sourmash Sweetcakes and
your local stations.
END OF ACT 1
ACT 2
{SFX: ticking stopwatch}
{SFX: running footsteps}
Jack
(talking into a coffee
mug to make his voice “do that voice-over narration thing”)
Nathalie and
I leapt from the car and started sprinting down Wasilla Boulevard to South
Hollywood We only had a minute or so to
get to the Wilderness Bar and Grill before Nathalie and I would wander
aimlessly in as we did at the end of Episode 23…which is where we rejoined the
story in this episode….
Announcer:
Jack Noir:
Episode 24
Jack
(into the
cup) Exactly…
Nathalie
(out of breath as though she was
running) You know I can hear you when you do
that, don’t you?
Jack
(normal voice, now breathing heavily
as well) Yes, but
it’s essential as a device to bring the listener up to speed about where we are
in the story. A classical element
brought in from the Greek Theatre. A
Coffee Mug Chorus if you will. It allows
a character to step out of his body, as it were, and to narrate the story from
a second or third person perspective.
Nathalie
Just as long
as you know. ….
{SFX: the running stops}
{SFX: the ticking continues}
Nathalie
(continuing) Look, there we are!
Jack
(Into the cup again) We were not too late. We arrived at the restaurant just as we were
going in the last time. This time we
were not “aimless”. This time we were
prepared. This time … we had already had
…dinner.
{SFX: Door opening to restaurant}
Nathalie
(Stage whisper) Oh , no! There’s Raton sliding under the Mushroom
Cap. He still has the stopwatch!
Jack
It’s not the
stopwatch we’re after Nathalie.
Nathalie
It’s not?
Jack
No.
Nathalie
I thought it
was the stopwatch.
Jack
It isn’t the
stopwatch! It’s the special ingredient! The
FIRST ingredient!
Nathalie
Jack…we’re
about to catch up with our earlier selves, do something!
Jack
I told
you! I know now which came first!
Nathalie
The Cobb
Salad?
Jack
No! The EGG!
{SFX: ticking stops}
Earlier Nathalie
{SFX: in slight reverb like she’s a little out of phase}
I – I guess
I’ll have the salad.
Earlier Jack
{SFX: …out of phase}
The Cobb
Salad?
Earlier Nathalie
Yes.
Waitress
{SFX: …out of phase}
Wonderful
choice. And you sir?
Jack (Real time)
I’ll have…the rat
stuffed mushroom cap!
{SFX: sound of a struggle… dishes and silverware
hitting the floor}
{SFX: sounds of surprised
patrons in the restaurant as if they’ve seen a rat on the premises.
This keeps up as a background throughout the rest of the episode.}
Raton
(startled, out of breath, exposed) Well,
Mr…Noir. I don’t know how you did it,
but it seems you’ve spoiled my little surprise.
Jack
That’s not
all that’s spoiled Raton. I’ve figured
out the sequence.
Raton
What
sequence?
Jack
The special
ingredient…
Raton
You found it?
Jack
You bet I
did. See I take this egg here. Crack it open and out pops…
{SFX: Loud popping sound}
Nathalie
Chief Casey?
Chief Casey
(Irish accent of course)
So, Mr. Raton. It’s no good again
ye’ve been up ta? You’ll be comin’ along
with me, then.
{SFX: Hand cuffling
sounds}
Raton
You can’t
take me that easily copper. I still have
the …. Why…What happened to the stopwatch?
I had it right here in my pocket at the beginning of the episode.
Jack
Are you looking
for this Raton?
{SFX: Jack pulls watch
and chain out of his pocket.}
Raton
Mon dieu!…Noir! It is impossible… how did you? … But I stole
it from you seven episodes ago.
Chief Casey
Is that a
crime I just heard you confessin’ to?
It’s your touch you’re losing, sure.
Jack
It was easy, Raton. While we were hurrying here to intercept our
earlier selves from episode 23, I remembered a little trick I learned back in
the original series. All I have to do is
dis-remember some element of my past. Re-remember
it into a different future. And voila!
{SFX: Ticking resumes and gets louder throughout next
sequence, morphing from that of a small stopwatch to something like Big Ben}
Casey and Raton
“Voila,” what?
Jack
Once I dis-remembered
the exact moment you stole my watch from me in episode 17, I grabbed it back in
my new reality. Since Episode 18, you
haven’t had the stopwatch. I have!
Raton
But then I
wouldn’t have been able to steal the secret of the tanning beds in Episode 20…
oh, no! I feel so pasty!
Nathalie
Jack…what’s
happening?
Jack
The past is
reshuffling around us, Nathalie. Hold
on! We just have to ride it out…
{SFX: flashback music
playing backwards}
Jack
(continues) There goes the flashback sequence in
episode 24…
Nathalie
Jack…this IS Episode 24!
Jack
Not anymore,
Sweet cakes. We could land just about
anywhere in this series.
Chief Casey
(Now he has a New York accent) Or next, the way I figure…
Nathalie
Casey, what
happened to your accent?
Chief Casey
What accent?
Jack
He’s
right. We could be thrown completely
clear of this series and into another whole season. Or…
{SFX: Big Ben
starts to toll midnight}
Nathalie
(nervously) Or what?
Jack
Or, we could
be cancelled completely.
Nathalie
Jack I’m
scared.
Jack
Just hang on!
Raton
Noir! You can’t dis-remember me!
Jack
Sorry
Raton. It’s not up to me now. I all has to shuffle out
Raton
Jack Noir…you
haven’t seen the last of me!
{SFX: Big Ben continues striking}
{SFX: Loud popping sound with thunder}
Nathalie
Jack! Raton’s
gone!
Chief Casey
Who’s gone?
{SFX: Big Ben strikes 13}
Nathalie
Jack?
(silence)
Nathalie
(worried)
Jack?
(silence)
Chief Casey
Who’s Jack?
{SFX: normal restaurant sounds }
Waitress
Cobb
salad. No eggs. Wonderful choice, miss. And what will the Gentleman have?
Chief Casey
You got
burgers?
Nathalie
(sadly) Oh, Jack….
{SFX: Theme music
up… a little more mournful than before…}
Announcer:
(Raton’s voice with no accent)
Is this the
LAST episode of Jack Noir: Time Cracker?
Or the first? What happened to
the Stopwatch? How can anyone know?
What have you been listening to for 24 episodes? And what about Nathalie? Tune in next week and find out. Maybe.
{SFX: Music swells, maniacal laughter in echo}
END ACT 2
THE END
